Peace

The person writing this blog is not me.  Well, it is me, but it's not the me that I was for most of my life.  I guess to define peace, it makes sense to define the opposite of peace.  The former me was the definition of a person that had no peace.

As a youngster, the rug was pulled out from under me more than once.  Raised until the age of 7 in a Christian home for girls, I was taught to pray.  When I was eventually alone at the age of nine, living with my father and one of his wives, I used to pray to God, telling Him I hated Him. In my young, immature way, I decided He was ignoring my prayers to be rescued from a sickening, dysfunctional home with my biological dad, so I figured I would try to get His attention with my 'hate' prayers.  Little did I know or realize, He was causing all things to work together for my good.

Teenage years were filled with rebellion after I moved to my biological mother's home in Virginia when I was 12.  I was 'befriended' by a church counselor who quickly began grooming me to become his 'girlfriend' and eventually his child bride at the age of 15 in Vegas.

At the age of 20, God miraculously entered my heart and my life.  I was a Christian, BUT, I carried guilt, self-hatred and condemnation, fear, a sense of not having any worth, and deep sadness and anger because I never forgave my father, my mother, the church counselor and anyone else that wrecked me.  Peace was alien to me.  I began striving for peace, striving for love, striving to look polished and together around others.  I had debilitating panic attacks - I couldn't eat at a restaurant without being close to an exit, ride in a car with anyone but the closest of friends or my family, walk the mall or sit in church for an entire service.

How did all this fear, guilt, worthlessness, sadness and anger manifest itself?  I was relentless with my husband who, in my estimation, didn't compliment me enough, communicate enough, help me enough, understand me enough or love me enough (though in retrospect, he did all that and more). I raged, I complained, I worried, I panicked, I pretended to be all the things I wasn't.  I taught Sunday School, was a Youth Leader, polished my kids til they shone, slapped a smile on my face, and eventually fell completely and utterly apart.  I'm just surprised I was able to fake it until I was 36.  Looking back, I was a Christian - what went wrong?  Why did I have no peace?  Why couldn't I give my hurt to the Lord?  Why didn't I trust Him with my problems? When the end came, I ran as fast as I could and as far as I could from everyone and everything because the facade was over. My life screamed against peace, and all that it meant. I ran until three years ago, when God brought me back to Him - on His terms.

He brought me home.  Home to provide total care, with all it entails, to my "Gram", the woman who took me into her heart and her arms when my parents left me at the girl's home at 8 months old. She was peaceful and the very air around her was quiet and calm.  Gram, at age 98, often spoke verses to me and we prayed together every night.  I would kiss her after I tucked her in, and as I was walking out of her bedroom, she would often say, "I'm so glad we have each other".  So was I.  I devoured every Christian book I could find in the house, and read to her regularly in the evenings. I got on my knees, so thankful for the grace that brought me home, and asked God to never let me go again.  Something changed.  My heart told me to forgive.  Forgive all people everything.  Freely you have received, freely give.  My heart, or rather a still, small voice, urged me to trust God with all my fears, all my hurts, all my guilt and all my self-hatred.  Little by little, step by step, I released that life-long familiar grip I had on all the things that made me feel so good because I felt so bad.  It wasn't about me anymore.  It was about my Lord, and I was at peace.

Every now and then, I am tempted to let those old feelings surface, but peace answers those fears and 'feelings' with truth.  Truth that God can't lie - when He so clearly expressed his love through His word. This is truth that conquers feelings. Without truth, there is no peace.

Peace is something Jesus gave to Christians as a gift when He said, "Peace I leave you" before He ascended.  Peace can also be an action when we are told to be at peace with all men.  Peace is an indescribable sense of calm.  Peace is confidence that God really is in control, and all He does is motivated by His boundless love.

The person writing this blog is me.  I live with constant physical pain, and a future that is uncertain.  I can't feel my legs, and my body gets worn out just going down my stairs to leave my house.  I am afraid sometimes and sad sometimes.  I give my feelings to the Lord, and He covers me in a blanket of peace that's as soft and warm as the towels in the old Downy commercials.

Isaiah 26:3...Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

Perfect peace?  Stop striving.  Start trusting.