Love

Today I was alone much of the day, lost in thought. The 'what if'' monster got ahold of me. What if this never gets better? What if I have to move, will I find housing that's handicapped accessible? What if my youngest daughter resents me for changing her whole life around because of this? What if I lose my job?  What if I can't pay my bills?  What if I look like a freak the rest of my life?

Now, I have to be honest..I had to look deep down into what I really think about people in public or in a mall that have spastic legs or are in a wheelchair with their body distorted.  I was talking to Kailynd, my son's girlfriend, today and confided that I instantly wondered if those people had suffered brain damage and if I had a conversation with them, it was always a little stiff or uncomfortable for me. Or at least that's how I used to feel.  Now it's me clutching to a walker or cane - will people view me the same way? Will there be pity, repulsion, avoidance, awkwardness?  A big part of my job is interviewing applicants for positions in our company. What will they think?

I met a remarkable man at a camp I help out with every year.  My little one and I had come into the dining hall out of the cold Maine rain and were sitting near the fire on the huge brick and stone hearth.  Colby usually went from wheelchair to walking with arm crutches, and had been disabled since birth, I think.  He made his was to the hearth and asked if I wanted some company.  Agreeing, I expected an awkward silence, but I didn't have to worry.  We laughed and talked about anything and everything, found out he lived on the same road as my one Maine friend, and talked about deeper things - we connected. I no longer saw a wheelchair or metal crutches that circled his arms.  I saw a friend - a funny, articulate, interesting and caring friend.  We just catch up each year at camp like we never left.  I had to see him with my Father's eyes, and I'm a better person for it.

That got me thinking about my fruit du jour. I tackled the subject of love with the book on the fruits.  I definitely found deeper meanings of love as I searched through.  I remember my Gram explained 1 Corinthians 13:13 to me in a way I never thought of before and I've never forgotten it.

For now abides faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.

Gram explained that faith abides now, but in the future, our faith will be complete when we see Him face to face.  Hope abides now and keeps us moving onward and upward, but our hope will also be satisfied when we have finished the race. When all is said and done, faith and hope are for us here and now - to ultimately bring us to our Lord.  Love, yes, love - there is no end to love.  When we reach heaven, our love will increase, and will go on forever. Love is here and now, and will multiply as time goes on, and that's why love is the greatest - it's eternal.

I need to remember to not be hyper-sensitive about the looks I might get with my walker or cane.  I need to hold my head high when I conduct interviews.  I'm wrong if I think I know what people are thinking if they cross paths with me.  Maybe it's just me who had those preconceptions about the 'disabled', but I think not. Ugh, it all seems so surreal.

So all in all, today was a mixed bag.  I had to really focus on trusting God with my body and future and the future of my family.  I also had to really try to look thrilled by the fifteenth time my little one put on a solo broadway show for me in the living room to keep me company.  The funny thing was, I couldn't get away if I tried.  Talk about a captive audience!

The 'what if''s' are plaguing me.  Like I said, I have to be honest.  There's no anger, no asking God why.  We've been through too much together for me to doubt now or think He doesn't know what He's doing.  I - just - don't - know - how - to - stop - fearing - the - future.  Maybe that's where the peace fruit comes in.  Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

Feasting on Fruit

Yesterday the kids all left the house, which gave me some time to really figure out what I can and can't do.  I'll admit it, I'm too proud to allow my kids to see me hobbling around looking like Quasimodo.  When I try to walk with a cane, my son Danny gives me pointers.  Just to mention how good God is, Danny and his girlfriend Kailynd are both trained caregivers with my agency which provides in-home care for people (like me?).

I can move my legs but can't feel them, or I could pretty well yesterday, so with the help of my new cane, I made it to my bedroom.  I found that I could sit on the bed and sort laundry and generally pick up.  Something that usually takes about 15 minutes took about two hours.  BUT, I did it!  My company, Right at Home,also  provided a shower chair, and I sat under the warm water feeling alive!  Taking the shower, getting undressed and dressed, took another hour and a half, but again, I did it!

I was pretty excited about all I could do.  I was totally wiped out and stayed lying down for about four or five hours after.  I brought a book out of my room that I hadn't read in a long time about the Fruit of the Spirit.  I prayed, asking God for something to comfort me, and said, "You don't really want me to read about 'the fruit' do you?  That means I have to work on me and I need help and comfort more than anything right now."

I opened my Bible and read the book of Galatians, not remembering that the Fruit of the Spirit was in chapter 5, verse 22. There was my confirmation, then.  It was and is time to read and meditate on love, joy, peace, patience - being a 'doer of the word and not a hearer only'. Those first four should take a while!  I trust that God knows best, and He isn't going to let me take this lying down feeling sorry for myself.  In the night when I can't sleep and I want to scream with the pain, He is there, soothing me and reassuring me that He will never leave me or forsake me. When daylight comes, it's another opportunity to wake up and 'Carpe Diem', as my little Gram used to say at age 98 - seize the day!!

Today, I woke up and could do less.  I'm hoping it's just because I did so much yesterday.  So much pain and numbness, from my toes to my neck, even my lips and chin feel numb! Each morning I wake up wondering if my condition will be worse.  The fear of not knowing and not hearing my doctor say, "This is it - no more declining" haunts me.  How much worse will it get and how long will it last?  In my dreams, I am whole, and when I wake up, I slowly realize where I am.  The first thing I do is find out whether I can sit up.  Next I put my feet down and ask them to carry my weight.  So far, they do, but every day or two, there's a little less response and a lot more numbness and pain.    

This is my journey.  If I can glorify God with my life, I will.  If he needed to stop me in my tracks to get my full attention, then I couldn't be in a better place than where I am right now.  No more 5 minute devotions and a quick prayer at night. No more racing around with no time for my Lord and my family.  This is where the real test is - do I love Him?  I want to love Him more, and I offer my body in faith to Him, filled with peace that He is working all things together for good. Fear follows me around like a black cloud, and sometimes I lose sight of God's promises, but I know he's there with me in the cloud, holding my hand.

It's time to go chew on some fruit!  Carpe Diem!

Show me the way, Lord

My last post was in May, 2011.  I had thrown myself into my job and was sometimes working or on-call 24 hours a day a week at a time, every other week. I heard from people urging me to continue blogging.  I owe three of my children a letter in this blog, because that's where it left off back in May.  My time was consumed, working all day, coming home to continue working and finish projects, and the weeks I wasn't on-call, I would just crash on the couch to catch up on rest.  Though I read books and prayed with my little one each night, I felt like I was looking through her and the other kids.  They would talk and I would listen, but I was miles away, still working on some project in my head.  I finally prayed a few weeks ago, "Lord, this can't be your will for me to ignore my kids so I can put food on the table and take care of their material needs.  Show me the way, Lord."

Last Tuesday, I went to work as usual. About an hour into the day, my left arm wouldn't respond to what I wanted it to do.  It felt like it was dead asleep with shooting pains.  My arm was numb, and I could barely feel any sensation. Wouldn't you know, I'm left handed.  I went to the doctor that day, and we learned there was no blood clot or stroke causing the problem.  Two days later, my left leg wouldn't work, and I had the same feeling - or lack of feeling, and went back to the doctor.  He said he didn't know what was happening and sent me to the neurologist.  Over the weekend, my right leg stopped working for the same reasons, and I could barely walk 15 feet without feeling like I was going to collapse.  Now the numbness, pain and pins and needles have taken over from arm to my mid-back to my toes.  We're not sure whether this will get worse, or how much worse it will be.  I have 'classic, textbook transverse myelitis', but so far the tests aren't matching the symptoms. The physical therapist suggested a cane, walker and wheelchair to get around.  I have this strange sensation of de ja vu when I helped Gram with her walker, brought her meals and helped her shower. Is this my new life?

I'm still working from home on my couch, but there's a pressing feeling that God is answering my searching prayer to show me the way, and He is saying, 'Follow Me'. Where?  I don't know.  Am I semi paralyzed forever?  There are times I break down when I am alone or with a friend.  Other times I want to laugh and be normal, just pressing on.  There is fear - will someone always have to stand-by to help me survive?  Will I even have anyone who will help me if this is long-term? Why do I need help - it's humiliating!  When will this end.  Will it end?  I still can't wrap my brain around what is happening.  Last Monday I was fine.

There is a place I needed to come to and a decision I had to make, and I had to face it right away.  Do I trust my Heavenly Father?  Does He love me and have a plan for my life?  Will He always take care of me and provide for my family?  I have settled in my heart that all these things are true, and that gives me peace that passes understanding.  When it can't be explained, it's God.  Will I still cry and agonize with the pain? I'm sure I will but I am human and the Creator of the Universe is my Father.  He knows the path, He knows the future, He loves me beyond comprehension.

And so I raise my face toward heaven and ask, "Show me the way, Lord".