Yesterday the kids all left the house, which gave me some time to really figure out what I can and can't do. I'll admit it, I'm too proud to allow my kids to see me hobbling around looking like Quasimodo. When I try to walk with a cane, my son Danny gives me pointers. Just to mention how good God is, Danny and his girlfriend Kailynd are both trained caregivers with my agency which provides in-home care for people (like me?).
I can move my legs but can't feel them, or I could pretty well yesterday, so with the help of my new cane, I made it to my bedroom. I found that I could sit on the bed and sort laundry and generally pick up. Something that usually takes about 15 minutes took about two hours. BUT, I did it! My company, Right at Home,also provided a shower chair, and I sat under the warm water feeling alive! Taking the shower, getting undressed and dressed, took another hour and a half, but again, I did it!
I was pretty excited about all I could do. I was totally wiped out and stayed lying down for about four or five hours after. I brought a book out of my room that I hadn't read in a long time about the Fruit of the Spirit. I prayed, asking God for something to comfort me, and said, "You don't really want me to read about 'the fruit' do you? That means I have to work on me and I need help and comfort more than anything right now."
I opened my Bible and read the book of Galatians, not remembering that the Fruit of the Spirit was in chapter 5, verse 22. There was my confirmation, then. It was and is time to read and meditate on love, joy, peace, patience - being a 'doer of the word and not a hearer only'. Those first four should take a while! I trust that God knows best, and He isn't going to let me take this lying down feeling sorry for myself. In the night when I can't sleep and I want to scream with the pain, He is there, soothing me and reassuring me that He will never leave me or forsake me. When daylight comes, it's another opportunity to wake up and 'Carpe Diem', as my little Gram used to say at age 98 - seize the day!!
Today, I woke up and could do less. I'm hoping it's just because I did so much yesterday. So much pain and numbness, from my toes to my neck, even my lips and chin feel numb! Each morning I wake up wondering if my condition will be worse. The fear of not knowing and not hearing my doctor say, "This is it - no more declining" haunts me. How much worse will it get and how long will it last? In my dreams, I am whole, and when I wake up, I slowly realize where I am. The first thing I do is find out whether I can sit up. Next I put my feet down and ask them to carry my weight. So far, they do, but every day or two, there's a little less response and a lot more numbness and pain.
This is my journey. If I can glorify God with my life, I will. If he needed to stop me in my tracks to get my full attention, then I couldn't be in a better place than where I am right now. No more 5 minute devotions and a quick prayer at night. No more racing around with no time for my Lord and my family. This is where the real test is - do I love Him? I want to love Him more, and I offer my body in faith to Him, filled with peace that He is working all things together for good. Fear follows me around like a black cloud, and sometimes I lose sight of God's promises, but I know he's there with me in the cloud, holding my hand.
It's time to go chew on some fruit! Carpe Diem!
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