Show me the way, Lord

My last post was in May, 2011.  I had thrown myself into my job and was sometimes working or on-call 24 hours a day a week at a time, every other week. I heard from people urging me to continue blogging.  I owe three of my children a letter in this blog, because that's where it left off back in May.  My time was consumed, working all day, coming home to continue working and finish projects, and the weeks I wasn't on-call, I would just crash on the couch to catch up on rest.  Though I read books and prayed with my little one each night, I felt like I was looking through her and the other kids.  They would talk and I would listen, but I was miles away, still working on some project in my head.  I finally prayed a few weeks ago, "Lord, this can't be your will for me to ignore my kids so I can put food on the table and take care of their material needs.  Show me the way, Lord."

Last Tuesday, I went to work as usual. About an hour into the day, my left arm wouldn't respond to what I wanted it to do.  It felt like it was dead asleep with shooting pains.  My arm was numb, and I could barely feel any sensation. Wouldn't you know, I'm left handed.  I went to the doctor that day, and we learned there was no blood clot or stroke causing the problem.  Two days later, my left leg wouldn't work, and I had the same feeling - or lack of feeling, and went back to the doctor.  He said he didn't know what was happening and sent me to the neurologist.  Over the weekend, my right leg stopped working for the same reasons, and I could barely walk 15 feet without feeling like I was going to collapse.  Now the numbness, pain and pins and needles have taken over from arm to my mid-back to my toes.  We're not sure whether this will get worse, or how much worse it will be.  I have 'classic, textbook transverse myelitis', but so far the tests aren't matching the symptoms. The physical therapist suggested a cane, walker and wheelchair to get around.  I have this strange sensation of de ja vu when I helped Gram with her walker, brought her meals and helped her shower. Is this my new life?

I'm still working from home on my couch, but there's a pressing feeling that God is answering my searching prayer to show me the way, and He is saying, 'Follow Me'. Where?  I don't know.  Am I semi paralyzed forever?  There are times I break down when I am alone or with a friend.  Other times I want to laugh and be normal, just pressing on.  There is fear - will someone always have to stand-by to help me survive?  Will I even have anyone who will help me if this is long-term? Why do I need help - it's humiliating!  When will this end.  Will it end?  I still can't wrap my brain around what is happening.  Last Monday I was fine.

There is a place I needed to come to and a decision I had to make, and I had to face it right away.  Do I trust my Heavenly Father?  Does He love me and have a plan for my life?  Will He always take care of me and provide for my family?  I have settled in my heart that all these things are true, and that gives me peace that passes understanding.  When it can't be explained, it's God.  Will I still cry and agonize with the pain? I'm sure I will but I am human and the Creator of the Universe is my Father.  He knows the path, He knows the future, He loves me beyond comprehension.

And so I raise my face toward heaven and ask, "Show me the way, Lord".