Love

Today I was alone much of the day, lost in thought. The 'what if'' monster got ahold of me. What if this never gets better? What if I have to move, will I find housing that's handicapped accessible? What if my youngest daughter resents me for changing her whole life around because of this? What if I lose my job?  What if I can't pay my bills?  What if I look like a freak the rest of my life?

Now, I have to be honest..I had to look deep down into what I really think about people in public or in a mall that have spastic legs or are in a wheelchair with their body distorted.  I was talking to Kailynd, my son's girlfriend, today and confided that I instantly wondered if those people had suffered brain damage and if I had a conversation with them, it was always a little stiff or uncomfortable for me. Or at least that's how I used to feel.  Now it's me clutching to a walker or cane - will people view me the same way? Will there be pity, repulsion, avoidance, awkwardness?  A big part of my job is interviewing applicants for positions in our company. What will they think?

I met a remarkable man at a camp I help out with every year.  My little one and I had come into the dining hall out of the cold Maine rain and were sitting near the fire on the huge brick and stone hearth.  Colby usually went from wheelchair to walking with arm crutches, and had been disabled since birth, I think.  He made his was to the hearth and asked if I wanted some company.  Agreeing, I expected an awkward silence, but I didn't have to worry.  We laughed and talked about anything and everything, found out he lived on the same road as my one Maine friend, and talked about deeper things - we connected. I no longer saw a wheelchair or metal crutches that circled his arms.  I saw a friend - a funny, articulate, interesting and caring friend.  We just catch up each year at camp like we never left.  I had to see him with my Father's eyes, and I'm a better person for it.

That got me thinking about my fruit du jour. I tackled the subject of love with the book on the fruits.  I definitely found deeper meanings of love as I searched through.  I remember my Gram explained 1 Corinthians 13:13 to me in a way I never thought of before and I've never forgotten it.

For now abides faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.

Gram explained that faith abides now, but in the future, our faith will be complete when we see Him face to face.  Hope abides now and keeps us moving onward and upward, but our hope will also be satisfied when we have finished the race. When all is said and done, faith and hope are for us here and now - to ultimately bring us to our Lord.  Love, yes, love - there is no end to love.  When we reach heaven, our love will increase, and will go on forever. Love is here and now, and will multiply as time goes on, and that's why love is the greatest - it's eternal.

I need to remember to not be hyper-sensitive about the looks I might get with my walker or cane.  I need to hold my head high when I conduct interviews.  I'm wrong if I think I know what people are thinking if they cross paths with me.  Maybe it's just me who had those preconceptions about the 'disabled', but I think not. Ugh, it all seems so surreal.

So all in all, today was a mixed bag.  I had to really focus on trusting God with my body and future and the future of my family.  I also had to really try to look thrilled by the fifteenth time my little one put on a solo broadway show for me in the living room to keep me company.  The funny thing was, I couldn't get away if I tried.  Talk about a captive audience!

The 'what if''s' are plaguing me.  Like I said, I have to be honest.  There's no anger, no asking God why.  We've been through too much together for me to doubt now or think He doesn't know what He's doing.  I - just - don't - know - how - to - stop - fearing - the - future.  Maybe that's where the peace fruit comes in.  Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.