Eight days ago, I woke up with stomach pain so intense, I had to do 'labor breathing' in order to tolerate it. It came in waves and knocked me off my feet. By the next morning I asked my son, Danny, for a ride to the doctor. The doctor sent me to the Emergency Room and I was admitted from there.
I was tired and not feeling at all confident about anything. Discouragement took over. I had no idea how my negativity was affecting others - I was entitled to focus on my problems by now. My 'goodness' quotient was pretty much spent by the time my second roommate in so many nights was rolled into my hospital room at 2 am.. Her voice was so loud, I believe they could have heard her whispering from the nurse's station down the hall. After a good half-hour of conversation between her and the intake nurse, I let out a polite cough, hoping she would catch on that; 1. Someone was in a bed 5 feet away from her on the other side of the curtain and, 2. She had woken me up. She yelled, "I don't want to wake up the person next to me". Next, there was a problem with her IV. When it stopped working properly, an alarm would sound and she would yell, "Not again!!" This happened nearly every 20 minutes throughout the day and night.
It's so easy to 'be' good when I'm feeling good. When things happen that set my teeth on edge, I begin to unconsciously wear a frown. I sigh a lot. I start following my emotions down the wrong path, dwelling on the negatives. Lying in my hospital bed, I began to think I was extremely unlucky. First, the semi-paralysis, now the intestinal bleeding. Was lightning really striking twice? I don't really believe in luck, but I just couldn't believe God had allowed these two serious things to happen in just a few weeks' time. In my weaker moments, and with help of IV antibiotics and pain medicine, I felt so alone and pitiful. Why did I have to get stuck with the loudest patient on the floor, anyway? My 'poor me' party almost drowned out the loud, incessant chattering of my roommate. Almost.
We were still divided by the privacy curtain, and I began wondering what she looked like. She would call me the 'girl' when she spoke to the nurses. She had taken a hard fall and would cry out in pain when she tried to move. She had an underlying medical condition which could be terminal, as well. My roomie began making phone calls when the sun came up. The first was to her son, giving him the news that she was in the hospital. She told him not to worry and not to come visit - she was just fine. After a few pleasant moments on the phone with him, she proceeded to make other phone calls to other family members. She sounded like she didn't have a care in the world. She was the one reassuring others, not the other way around. I wasn't sure when she got off the phone, but I became aware at some point that she was talking to me. She was boisterous, upbeat and comforting as she relived a hard past, and put it into perspective - God was in control and led her through it all..
I had a true affinity for this weathered, friendly woman by the time I was discharged. I realized I was getting a late start in fully trusting. It's so easy to exhibit fruit when it's, well, easy. Goodness comes not from a heart that's good, but from getting out of the way, allowing the Spirit to shine through in spite of myself. In order to consistently live out the fruit of goodness, I will have to get out of the way a lot, because I won't feel like being good or showing goodness to others all the time. Goodness isn't just about actions, it's about character. Character like my roommate, who's effervescent personality made everyone around her smile. She knew how to lead others away from what was wrong with her, and toward what was right and good.
The word good, or goodness, seems so simple and plain, it sounds like a trait that doesn't much matter one way or another. It's a minor league fruit, not major like love or joy. At least what I used to think. Christians are challenged to be good and to proclaim God's goodness in the Bible. God's blessings on Israel were often portrayed as going hand-in-hand with His goodness. Having the fruit of goodness is for the benefit of others. It's refreshing to bask in the goodness of others. When we show goodness we are also blessed.
Romans 15:14
And I myself also am persuaded of you, my brethren, that ye also are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, able also to admonish one another.
God knows what He's asking of me, and He is able to do it in me. I just need to trust Him to take care of all my needs, wants, hurts and unanswered questions. When all the scary things are put in perspective, I can release the goodness He placed in me, walking and living confidently in faith. God is good. I am good only when I die to self, and He shines through.
I am grateful to have met the sweet little lady behind the curtain! What a peach! (pun intended!)
Psalm 107:9
For he satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness.
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