Even As God, For Christ's Sake, Has Forgiven

How do I begin?  Where do I start showing my kids that the life I led hiding from Christ is in the past.  It's over.  I gave up myself and gave in to God.  I have been clinging to His life, freedom and joy for over a year, now.  It's not like it was before, in the 15 years of "following" when I had self-imposed rules and little inner joy.  Christianity was a burden to me before.  I wanted to do the right thing, and did what I thought was right pretty consistently (in my own estimation), but I just didn't have that love relationship with Christ.  The light bulb hadn't yet come on.  My viewpoint when I was a younger Christian agreed with the what  I heard this past Sunday on a well known televised religious program.  A young woman spoke of her pain because she thought God was always mad at her (because of her shortcomings and failures).  She finally "got it" when she realized He wasn't "mad", He was "madly in love" with her.  The chains of guilt and self recrimination fell off and she moved forward in joy.

Oh, I still have my moments.  Would I be human if I didn't?  I bask in my new understanding of God's amazing grace and unfailing love, and I'm so thankful for His everlasting arms!  I have a tendency to forget the past, because I know I am one hundred percent forgiven.  Guilt over the sin which has been laid at the foot of the cross is a tool of Satan. I refuse to be bound by or identify with who I was back then until...

My kids remember me "when".  They still hurt over the choices I made.  I come crashing down to earth when I hear the blame in their voices (well, one child in particular, lately).  Anyone who knew me then and knows me now, knows I have completely changed.  But the kids...they still suffer because of the instability I forced on them as I dragged them along on my quest for things that never satisfied.  Things I thought would help only hurt.  Promises to give them a better life only left them unsure and empty.  They were the ones who were unwillingly strapped into the emotional roller coaster.  It's all now a part of the big, ominous thing called a "childhood".  You know, the word that people use as a reason for all their successes or failures in life.

I reached out for help the other night.  The situation seemed dire, and emotions were raw.  My past was relentlessly thrown in my face by one of my kids, and we needed help fast.  I didn't think we would make it through the night with things on the course they were headed.  This child was raging, defending his wrong behavior.  The excuse?  Why should he follow my rules when I so miserably used to break them myself?

 I needed to sit down and talk with my child about forgiveness.  I needed to ask for forgiveness in an angry setting in which my past was once again the source of all the problems we were facing.  I also needed to forgive my child for not forgiving me, if that makes any sense.  I know I have been forgiven by God, but I don't expect my children to have that supernatural attitude of, "Well, Mom is sorry, so we'll put all that behind us now."  Though I don't expect their hearts to automatically have that spirit of love and understanding, I know the beast of an unforgiving heart will devour their souls and destroy their peace of mind. I am no stranger to that beast. I used to be in the same position, hating my parents for too many painful years.  I hurt for my kids because I know forgiveness is one of the toughest choices anyone has to make.  Some would say it's impossible.  With God all things are possible.  But how do we get from there to here?

The people I reached out to said they would pray.  They promised to call the next day to check in, then they forgot.  I was adrift.  I felt that God was prompting me to see this situation with my child as something I could no longer keep to myself.  It was for my child that I cried out for help. When no one came ,it hurt.  A lot. I prayed that God would show me what to do next.  And He did.

I picked up the phone and called someone I had lost touch with years ago.  She and I were pregnant together back in the day.  We used to have "play dates" and take the kids to the beach.  We went to church together many years ago.  I knew she, of all people, would tell it to me straight.  When we talked on the phone I simply told her I needed to talk.  She told me to come on over, and said, "That's what friends are for."  I was able to tell her all that was troubling my family, and how I needed to learn how to help my kids heal.  She let me talk and listened, and after it was all on the table, I waited to hear whether she, too, would condemn me for my past. I should have known better.

I left this friend's home with a new sense of peace.  "We all have our troubles", she said.  She didn't minimize the damage I knew I had done, but she did tell me that we all mess up.  We're all in this together, so to speak.  No one is perfect.  She urged me to go back to my child and express the love and remorse for how I had hurt him.  She reminded me of the havoc hormones can wreak on teenagers, but also agreed with me that he needs to express his frustration more appropriately.  She said, "I don't have a lot of answers, but I want you to know I'm here for you".  What true friend can offer more than that?

Why did I feel that this was a good topic for my post?  Because I know I'm not the only one who is facing something like this.  I want to "be here" for people who need a place to go when they feel like misfits in the traditional Christian world.  People like me can feel lost and out of place amidst the Christian "lifers" who have never divorced and have never had their children blame them for their disastrous decisions.  Sometimes the very place we go to find God's acceptance is the place that condemns us for becoming who we are today - sinners, saved by grace. 

I can't promise that your kids, or others you have hurt will forgive you.  I can't promise that you will be welcomed back into God's family with open arms.  These things are important, but we can walk on in victory even if the harmony and love we desire is elusive, because of one thing.  God is on our side.  He loves us more than we could ever imagine and has blanketed us with Christ's righteousness!  There is nothing we could ever do to take that love away, and we're always one honest prayer away from forgiveness and harmony with Him.

If God be for us, who can be against us?

Dear Heavenly Father,
 Again, I thank you with all my heart for Your love.  I pray for my children and those I have so desperately hurt with my selfishness!   Help them to turn to You with their pain and allow You heal their hearts.  I ask You to keep me from hurting them in the future, by Your grace and with Your help.  Please also keep my own heart from being tainted with a spirit of unforgiveness toward those who let me down.  Allow me to continue to love and be patient, even as You are compassionate with me when I let you down.  May I remember that we're all in this together!  These requests I lift up to You, in Jesus' name...