Testimony Part IV

This is Part IV of my testimony.  The first three parts can be viewed below.

Today is a tough day to write.  I have a dream to reach others and to be a blessing in the best way I know how, by writing and maybe even speaking one day.   The economy has hit hard, and the future seems uncertain, with the good news I have been hoping for with  my "day job" falling by the wayside.  I am anxious about many things, and yet - anxious for nothing (Phil 4:6)   Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. How curious and strange to look out at the darkened horizon with a blanket of peace over my soul!  When I was approached today by friends at work about my 'closed door' meeting, I didn't really have any "good" news.  As I felt that familiar choking feeling of seeing no real answer to all the pressing needs, I couldn't help but comfort my comforters with the belief that God is in all our tomorrows, and working all things together for good!  What a great day!  Thank You, Jesus!  It is such a blessing to be able to write my testimony...His testimony of love and grace...

I came home at the age of seventeen.  I wasn't the same kid who left to live with my mother when I was twelve.  I was already promiscuous, having thrown myself into the arms of anyone who would make me feel special whenever Wayne and I separated.  I had no relationship with either of my birth parents, and I was dieting, exercising and taking laxatives to achieve that perfect body.  I was jealous, insecure, and bitter.  I had no time for God, and less time for Paul and Meredith.  One night, they asked me to leave, after finding some explicit "love" letters I had written to a boyfriend.  I wound up living in nineteen different places in the next two years, sometimes on friend's couches or even in my car.  I just drifted.  I found drugs, alcohol and parties.  I still remember the first time I tried cocaine, I was driving around with my friend, Tracy, and we were laughing because it felt like I was playing a video game.  How I survived those years, I'll never know.

When I was fifteen, I received a letter from my father saying I would never have children due to a ruptured appendix when I was nine, which spread poisonous gangrene throughout my reproductive tract.  I nearly died, and was kept in the hospital for a month and one more surgery.  Now, at age 19, I had nothing to live for.  I had only wanted to be a mother when I grew up.  Now I was nothing.  I wanted to die.  I ended up in psychiatric day hospitalization program, in which a therapist eventually brought me to the city welfare department requesting that they put me on permanent psychiatric disability because I lost even the drive to communicate.  I barely spoke.  My heart could barely breathe.  I didn't even know whether I still existed.  I never went back to the welfare office to follow up on the request.

About that time, I began spending time with one of Gram and Grampy's grandsons.  Being with him made me remember the wholeness of my childhood.  One night he reintroduced me to that cute boy from the house that had hid me from my dad when I was twelve.  I was completely smitten.  He and I began spending all our time together and moved in shortly after.  I was still battling my past (as I would for many, many years), and he would calmly put up with all the rage I threw his way.  I got a pretty good job, and he became a police officer.  He told me in no uncertain terms that I could no longer play around with drugs if I wanted to be with him.  I gladly gave them up, but continued to drink nightly after I left my second shift job.

One day, one of my girlfriends from work asked me to go with her to the on site clinic to get a pregnancy test.  She didn't want to go alone.  I agreed, even though I knew I wasn't pregnant.  It felt good to take the test and pretend what it would feel like to get back a positive result.  A day or two later, we went back for the results.  She was told her test was negative, and I was told mine was "very" positive.  I was pregnant!  I went back and told my boyfriend.  He uttered an expletive and walked away.  I went outside and began to cry on the stairs.  A few minutes later, he came and sat down next to me, drew me into his arms and said, "We're going to have a baby."  Just like that.  I threw away the alcohol and the cigarettes, swore off soda and caffeine, and braced myself to tell Gram and Grampy.

At first, I just kept going to see Gram and help her around the house.  My belly grew, but like a lot of first time mothers, I just ate everything in sight, so everything else grew, too.  I kept waiting for her to say something.  She never did, and I began to panic as I entered my fifth month.  What if she rejected me?  And Grampy - I knew I would break his heart!  I would lose them for sure!  I fidgeted and chewed on my pen as I sat down to write one of the toughest letters I ever had to put on paper.  It took many tries and lots of rough drafts.  Finally, I stamped it and put it in the mail.  I had already given her my neighbor's number because we had no phone.  Four days later, Sandy knocked and told me I had a call.  Nervously, I trudged to her house.  It was Gram, and she said one sentence, "We got your letter, we love you, and we want to see you."

Grace came pouring down from heaven washed over me in that very instant.  I can only say that I had never known God's grace before that moment in time.  I had only known Him as a righteous, controlling being who would never accept me because I was such a loser.  Never before did I know that God would ever say to me, "I love you".  God said it, and Gram was the messenger.  My heart began to bask in His mercy that very day! "Heaven came down, and glory filled my soul".

Again, there is a pattern.  Love.  Where, oh where would I be without love?  I have rejected it and even answered love with hate in the past.  Gram showed me that love is love, no matter what the circumstances are.  Love never fails!  As I wrapped up a seventeen hour labor with a few last pushes, a new dimension of love broke through the veil of my soul as my newborn daughter was laid on my chest.  She cried.  I cried.  And all was well.  I looked at her that day and vowed never to break her heart.  What high and lofty plans new mothers have!  I determined in my heart that I would bring her up to know God - the right way.  I had never been so complete.  God had brought me up out of the fog and into a clear, new beautiful existence, with Him, with my baby girl, and with my new husband.  How would I ever doubt Him again?

Dear Heavenly Father,

I sure wish I could put a period at the end of my testimony now.  Remember how I talked to you all the time back then?  Remember how I just wanted everyone to know You?  I did love you then, but it was an immature love (am I so much more mature now?  I wonder sometimes).  Why do some of us run away from You when we know from experience that it's not worth it?!  We can't hide ourselves, but somehow, we just give up.  Again, I pray that You will keep me focused on you in the hard times, and yes, even in the good times.  I love You, Lord.  In my imperfect way, I love You, and I thank You for my life and my testimony!  Please guide me as I continue on.  In Jesus' name...