Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings...

It's so wonderful to feel the closeness I have with God, and have that certain peace when all is well, or sensing His presence as I bask in His love.  I love the rush I get as I look at all creation around me and know I'm the child of the One who made it all!  I can't even describe the thrill I experience as I walk through each day, knowing He is walking with me.  And who can resist catching their breath at an answered prayer, an unexpected blessing or a dream come true?  Nothing compares to the feeling of being loved by the Father.

(Are you picturing a fragrant field swaying in the gentle breeze as butterflies dance around the blossoms?  Good.  Now listen carefully, and you'll hear the sound of the screeching brakes of an 18 wheeler just before impact.  That's it, right there.  Now read on, and you'll find the real topic of this post.)

Well, today, I feel like I'm in this alone.  I feel the weight of my guilt, the pressure of my future, and an emptiness deep down that I just can't put my finger on.  I had thought that by now, I would have been able to begin some kind of full time ministry for God.  I yearn for it, yet I know I still have so many shortcomings - how could God ever use me?  I don't know what the future holds and I wonder if my deep down desire to reach others was just a pipe-dream.  I feel like God will never choose to use me as a writer, a speaker, a friend.  I feel like I'm not as good as I should be. I feel afraid.  I feel uncertain.  I feel alone.  I feel, I feel, I feel.

I can't say I'm sitting here typing with a great big "eureka" waiting to jump out at you.  I didn't even feel like writing today, but it's a weekend, and that's usually the only time I can set aside any time for myself.  My little one keeps poking her head in, laboriously reviewing her current thoughts over and over again, as only a five year old can do.  I have a million and one things to do each weekend, and even more now that my kids start school on Monday.  I'm trying to figure out how to pull a rabbit out of my hat with the week's menu and school lunches.  I have also waited until the last minute to buy school supplies.  I'm trying to add two plus two and come up with fifty in my bank account.  The car is nearly due for an oil change.  The kids are packing old notebooks into last year's backpacks when all their friends have new.  I'm eyeballing my daughter's sneakers wondering if a jaunt in the washer will make them look brand new.  I'm thinking not, or as the kids say, "Yeah....no".

What a gray, bland, perfectly blah day on the one hand.  One the other hand, it's a fidgety, anxious and panic-riddled day filled with worry for the kids, the future, the bills, the car.  You name it - if it's negative, it's marching through my brain with all the force of an armored tank.  There's no stopping the endless parade of fears which methodically tear holes in the blanket of peace draped over my mind by last night's devotions.

As even my prayers today were telling God all that was wrong, I was hit with a sobering thought.  While it's normal for any of us to feel discouraged by the weight of our burdens, it's not normal to pile burden after burden up on our backs and grimly march forward inch by inch, if we have a relationship with God.  I think that may have been where I began to slip away.  Not only did I try to carry the weight, I began lugging it down the path of my own choosing, by my own strength.  It's as though I resented God for letting the tough things come into my life, so somewhere deep down, I said, "Fine!  Obviously I have a rotten life ahead of me (look how rotten the past has been), and God isn't helping any, so I guess I'm on my own."

It began by having a few drinks at night.  My disease made me shake uncontrollably at times and I couldn't sleep more than a few hours each night.  For me, the alcohol was a sedative which eased my symptoms.  I didn't even know I had Graves at the time, I only knew that I couldn't stand another moment living in my trembling, jittery skin.

After a while, I had to drink just to get through the evening. This lead to depression and searching for a new anti-depressant every few months.  The doctors were great, or so I thought - they gave me pills to help with the panic and anxiety I had begun to feel.  I started taking the pills with the alcohol to enhance the effect of both.  I have fuzzy memories of one night over ten years ago when the kids were spending the night at their grandmother's, in which my husband kept shaking me to wake me up.  He kept yelling for me to stay awake because I stopped breathing each time I passed out.  I could barely focus on his words.  The next morning, we both vowed we wouldn't drink again.  By evening, we hopped in the car to buy a few more.

This memory elbowed it's way through the thoughts of doom and gloom parading through my consciousness today.  As I said, I was sobered (no pun) to realize that it's days like these which can make us or break us!  If we have enough moments where we shoulder our own fear, hopelessness and anxiety, eventually we wake up one day and wonder how in the world our Savior became someone we consider our enemy.

Jesus said, "Come unto Me, all you who labor and are heavy-ladened and over-burdened, and I will cause you to rest - I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.  Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me; for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest - relief, ease and refreshment, and recreation and blessed quiet - for your souls.  For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good) - not harsh, sharp of pressing, but comfortable, gracious and pleasant; and My burden is light and easy to be borne.

(Matthew 11:28 - 30, Amplified Bible)

I do feel a little better after writing down my honest, if discouraging thoughts.  I have determined to share the ups and downs of the past and present with anyone who might find a glimmer of light in their own circumstances as they read mine.  I don't have the answers, but I know Who does.  Even on the days when I feel so overwhelmed, I am reminded not to live life based on my feelings.  My feelings will tell me I'm talking to a brick wall when I cry out to for my Father to carry the burden that is too heavy for me.  Worse yet, my feelings will lead me to stop talking to Him altogether because I can't begin to understand His purpose through many of the trials that daily overtake me.  I will feel like quitting.  I will feel like He doesn't understand what I'm going through.  I will feel that if I don't fix all my own problems, they'll never go away.

I need to remind myself to table all my troubling thoughts and doubts, go to His Word, and allow Him to remind me of the truth.  I'm well past the day when I questioned whether He was real, or whether His Word was good and faithful.  On days like these, I need to draw closer.  He never said it would be easy.  He said He will never leave me or forsake me.  By His grace, I will humble myself and let Him take that dark, oppressive bundle off my shoulders.

Now you can picture that lovely field with butterflies flitting from blossom to stem!

Dear Father,

I'm so sorry I took Your perfect gift of  hope that was today and made it into one of despair, wrapped up in my own miserable viewpoint. I'm not going to go on about my guilt over that.  I know it's not what You want for me.  I'm so grateful for Your patience!  I thank you for the gift of hope that will be tomorrow - pure and clean, already waiting for me.  I'm amazed that Your mercies are new every morning!  Please help my trust and faith in You to be new each morning.  It's a blank slate.  A new start.  A wonderful opportunity to believe!  God, You are amazing!  It is with Jesus' help, and in His name I pray...