Testimony Part VI

This is part 6 of my testimony.  The previous posts can be viewed below.

Relaying my testimony has been a time of reflection, bringing along with it the pangs of remembrance, and absolute awe that I am sitting here today to testify of God's amazing love!  I was listening to Dr. Dobson's new radio program yesterday and his guest was a woman who had tried to kill herself as a young girl by lying on the railroad tracks after sinking into a deep depression after being raped.  Her legs were severed and she still wanted to die, though she wasn't even sure whether there was a heaven or not.  As I sat and listened, a realization washed over me that I have come through some deep floods, and I was as functional as I could be through the hard times, in my own human strength.

In my promiscuity as a young teenager, I had found myself at my friend's sisters son's one year birthday party. (Yeah, don't know if I could say that twice!)  Donna's sister was a teen mom, and the drugs were passed around with the birthday cake.  I was fourteen years old, and Wayne was away at the Army basic training.  There were some military men that Eve was involved with, the youngest being 19.  I had a "crush" on one of them, and he took me to the back room so we could be "alone".  I felt special.  I was only fourteen, and I was attractive to a grown man.  One by one, the other three men came into the room, and, due to the drugs, I was "out of it", but conscious.  To make a long, sordid story short, they took turns with me, cheering each other on. I didn't stop them. I heard knocks at the bedroom door, but couldn't answer.  Eventually, everyone went home, and one of the men put me in the shower so I could go home to my mother.  I don't even know how I made it home.  Someone must have driven me.  I didn't realize it then, but that event affected me for decades.  I never looked back and thought they were in the wrong - I hated myself for allowing it.  I was a child and they were grown men.

Now I realize how absolutely hopeless and vulnerable I truly was.  I don't wish revenge on these men - I pray for their salvation and will rejoice if I see them in heaven one day.  But - man, oh man - what a "number" it did to my soul!  I praise the Lord that I don't need to carry that burden in my own strength anymore!  It's not even on my back - He has taken it off my shoulders and I now know it's not a part of "who" I am anymore.  It's in the past, and I can forget what lies behind and press on toward the mark!  The reason I can give my testimony with transparency and revisit my past is only because I believe God can use me to help others who are imprisoned in a "present" which may be similar to my past.  If you are reading this and carrying the guilt of shameful circumstances and sin, please bring it to Jesus!  He loves you!  He is waiting as a father waits for a child to ask for help.  He will rescue you - I promise!

So where was I?  In the hospital wondering what to do next.  I had turned my back on the Lord and through a strange set of circumstances, found myself living in the "apartment" of my friend's ex-boyfriend.  That lasted two days, and then he talked me into going over the road with him in his truck to New York.  I did not know his past.  I didn't know he was abusive to women and even his own children, to the point of locking his little girl in a windowless basement for weeks at a time, and strip searching her each day to make sure she didn't steal any pencils from school.  This lovely girl was an adult by the time I met her, and she and I became very close.  She was like a daughter to me, but didn't confide her childhood trauma to me until three years later.

He asked me to have a baby.  I missed my kids, so I tried to have a child for him.  I was at "rock bottom", missing my children and my husband.  Through the course of a year, I had three miscarriages.  I would writhe in bed as the loss of each baby racked my body with pain.  I was physically bankrupt by the fourth pregnancy.  Three months came and went, and she was still with me, growing and kicking.  Six months, and she could live if she were born!  Then, he became a man I didn't recognize.  He began to threaten to take the baby as soon as she was born.  I contacted adoption agencies because I  realized that we were penniless without his support.  My two sons had come back to me, and we were often thrown out of the house with no keys, cell phone or car. Eventually, he would find me and bring me back "home".  I called my ex husband a lot during that time and asked him to take the boys when I was homeless.  He was always there for them.

Late in April, 2005, my little girl was born!  I had to give up on the dream of adoption for her, because he told me he wouldn't release her, and if I did, he would "get" her.  She was a joy to me, even as he threatened, in fits of anger, to take her out of the country where I would never find her.  I left and returned a few times until she was nearly a year old.  By the time I was able to break free for good, my whole family had been hurt physically and emotionally by this man.

When Michael was fifteen, he was at a crossroads.  He could very easily have slipped away from me to a place my love could no longer reach him, and I couldn't blame him one bit.  I was once again living where I shouldn't be, and doing what I knew was wrong.  He was at a crisis point in his life, and I contacted a Christian camp up in Maine to ask if they would allow him to go work there for the summer.  As I said my good-bye's to my son, I prayed with an aching heart that the Lord would somehow give Michael a new, godly mother to come home to, and take us out of our environment.  Within a month, I became very ill, lost my job and then my home.  Boy, were my circumstances different when I went to pick up my son so we could go to Florida with family to "recover"!  It wasn't exactly what I was expecting when I prayed for change, but my heart was thawing and I knew the Lord was guiding us.

I had visited my Gram in the hospital (she had just had a pacemaker put in - at 97 years old!) just prior to taking that trip to Florida.  Gram tenderly quoted a verse to me from II Chronicles (7:14) "If My people, who are called by My Name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."  I couldn't shake that verse from my thoughts, and surrendered my life to my Father while in Florida!  The peace, the fellowship of my little local church family and the joy was immeasurable!  Jesus saw me from far off, and ran to me as I trudged, weary, up the dusty path back into His arms!  I enjoyed the "feast" He put before me in the way of fellowship and Christian love which I had never known before!

Think you know the rest of the story?  You're right, because if you are here in this site, you were directed here after reading my story in Guideposts!  God allowed me to be here with Gram in her final days, in godly fellowship and quietness.  He brought me back into the "fold" with my foster family.  He worked out circumstances so my children could be immersed in His teaching and love - not only at home, but also at school!  He silently urged me to write - and to keep writing when I wondered whether a soul was even reading.  My writing became a love letter to Him - a sacrifice of thankfulness!  I asked Meredith to pray - that God will receive the glory in anything I write.

It has not always been easy, and I have second-guessed whether I should be so transparent at times.  I believe there are many out there who know the Lord, but have fallen away.  They need to hear that the Lord can reach them wherever they are - all they have to do is ask Him to.  Repentance means being sorry enough to change.  God will help us change - He will work in us!  I can't change on my own - and, oh, I have so far to go, but if I can just reach one person who feels alone - then God has worked out His plan through my writing.

Please trust Him.  Please know He loves you.  Please allow Him to change you.  You will never regret it.  You may have some hard things in your life, but the Lord will walk with you through the trials if you will only let Him!

Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank You for giving me life!  I thank You that you can be trusted, even when nothing makes sense!  My heart so deeply wants to reach those who are hurting.  Please guide me, forgive me when I fall short, and comfort us all through the hard times.  Thank You for Jesus, who stands at the door and knocks.  All we have to do is open the door and invite Him in.  It's so easy, and we make it so hard!  My testimony is Yours.  Do with it what you want, and may someone, somewhere, turn to you with all their heart.  I don't want to run away from you ever again!  Please keep me close - give me the strength to draw near to You, knowing you will draw near to me!  I love You, Lord - help me to live out that love in my actions.  In Jesus Name - AMEN!