Desert Daydreaming

As I mentioned in my last post, I am praying that God would settle my heart on just a few thoughts to meditate on each day instead of multiple random, uplifting messages that I am unable to retain.

This morning, my Bible reading has me in the book of Numbers which can be a little tedious unless you are like me and love to trace genealogy or imagine the dimensions of the Tabernacle, the artifacts inside and the clothes worn by the priests in the Old Testament.  As much as I love getting lost in all that, I opened the Bible up this morning wondering if that informational 'stuff' was going to feed my soul in a way that I think I need right now.

Like the Children of Israel, I am in a type of desert wandering right now.  I'm in the process of beginning a new lifelong regimen of self-injected medicine to stave off another exacerbation of my disease, helping me to live my life with less uncertainty about whether I will be able to walk normally, among other things.  I am also waiting to come out of this present attack so I can resume my career and take care of my family.

Nearly four years ago, the Lord brought me home to care for my foster mother, Gram.  I had been brought out of a life of self-centered and irresponsible living after a one sentence prayer in which I asked the Lord to change our living situation for my son, Michael.  After a miserably failed marriage, I spent seven years being fearful of failing to make it on my own, so I went from one relationship and living situation to another because I had no confidence in God's provision due to the life I was choosing to lead.  

Alone in my car this morning, I was daydreaming of my life back then - the jewelry, frequent trips and vacations, swimming pool, restaurants and Christmases.  A thought crept into my heart that said, "It was a pretty good life...if not for 'his' control and manipulation, I could still be leading that life and not wondering how to pay my bills right now." I had briefly forgotten all the harm that was done to myself and others during that reckless time in my life.

As I read through a few chapters in Numbers this morning, I wasn't really expecting to come away from my quiet time with something that would open my eyes to the condition of my heart.  I simply read it because I like to read about the intricate specifications in amazing detail that the Lord gave to Moses about how things needed to be done.

My reading brought me to Numbers 11:4b-5a, where the Children of Israel were weeping and crying because they only had Manna (food from heaven) to eat in the desert, and they were remembering all the food they could eat for free when they were slaves in Egypt.  Egypt was where they were oppressed, where their baby sons had been killed, where they were beaten and whipped into forced labor.  

The Israelites started wailing and said, “If only we had meat to eat! 5 We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost—also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic.

I was instantly reminded of my own daydreaming this morning.  I had allowed my mind to think of all the 'good' things I had left behind, blocking out the heartache, fear and hatred that stemmed from walking my own way and in my own strength.  My personal best produced fleeting happiness in the trinkets along the way until God answered my prayer to change everything. 

It's so easy to look back when I'm in the desert, because I can't see forward. None of us can.  I don't know what will happen in the future and it can be pretty scary.  Last year, when I was brought to my knees with this disease, I was encouraged when I was told that it was a 'once in a lifetime' event.  I walked away from the ordeal without a thought for the future, believing the worst was behind me.  I started a new job and gave it my all.  It was a pleasure to get up every morning for work, until sometime in March when I felt that constricting band around my arm and everything began to get numb.  Limb by limb fell into the electric 'pins-and-needles' slumber, sluggish and desensitized, yet hyper-sensitive and independently jumpy all at the same time.

Last year, it was easy to trust and look forward.  I passed my own test of faith and faithfulness, coming out of my trial stronger than I went in.  This year has been different.  I am restless and agitated, doing much but really nothing at all, day after day.  I look out at the future and can't see anything.  Will I be able to go back to work for my company when this is all finished?  Exactly when will this be over with?  Will I be taken seriously in the workforce after this setback?  Will I be able to do the job I love?

In this trial, I have sometimes focused on the fears that kept me a slave to my former lifestyle before God called me home.  Everything I was afraid of is happening now that I am unable to work and provide for my family.  If I focus on the 'good things' of my past long enough, the sufficiency of God will seem insufficient in my heart, and that is a very dangerous trap that could ultimately lead me back to my life of slavery to self.

Praise the Lord that He gives me manna in the desert!  Who would have thought that a few verses in Numbers would help to put things into perspective!  Isn't God amazing?  The Israelites had heard of the Promised Land but didn't know how long they would have to be in the desert before reaching their destination, so they worried and complained the whole way, looking back to what was familiar.  I'm sure those cucumbers, fish and onions would have rapidly lost their appeal if they had returned to their slavery in Egypt.  What good are a few moments of pleasure traded for years of defeat and desolation?

I am encouraged to look ahead praying and trusting the Lord for His good plan.  I don't need to see what's ahead of me.  It's not my job to know what will happen and when.  If I look back, my focus should be on all the ways God has provided, and still provides in amazing ways!   What a relief to cast all my cares on Him because He cares for me.  Once I truly TRUST, I no longer have any desire to long for the self-made trinkets of my past because I know the same God who can pave streets with pure gold has promised to be with me every day from here to eternity.

Dear Father,

Thank You for speaking to me from Your word, and for Your patience and kindness each day.  I love that You can use every single verse, chapter and book of the Bible to open my heart in Your own, good way.  If anyone like me, is discouraged right now, please lift them up and show them that they don't need to carry the burden for tomorrow on their shoulders.  It's unnatural and impossible.  Show us how to let go of both the past and the future, gaining strength for today by faith in Your love and care.  Help us to not miss the blessings of today and tomorrow because of our dissatisfaction with our present circumstances.  There is so much to be thankful for - refocus us!!  In Jesus name...