The person writing this blog is not me. Well, it is me, but it's not the me that I was for most of my life. I guess to define peace, it makes sense to define the opposite of peace. The former me was the definition of a person that had no peace.
As a youngster, the rug was pulled out from under me more than once. Raised until the age of 7 in a Christian home for girls, I was taught to pray. When I was eventually alone at the age of nine, living with my father and one of his wives, I used to pray to God, telling Him I hated Him. In my young, immature way, I decided He was ignoring my prayers to be rescued from a sickening, dysfunctional home with my biological dad, so I figured I would try to get His attention with my 'hate' prayers. Little did I know or realize, He was causing all things to work together for my good.
Teenage years were filled with rebellion after I moved to my biological mother's home in Virginia when I was 12. I was 'befriended' by a church counselor who quickly began grooming me to become his 'girlfriend' and eventually his child bride at the age of 15 in Vegas.
At the age of 20, God miraculously entered my heart and my life. I was a Christian, BUT, I carried guilt, self-hatred and condemnation, fear, a sense of not having any worth, and deep sadness and anger because I never forgave my father, my mother, the church counselor and anyone else that wrecked me. Peace was alien to me. I began striving for peace, striving for love, striving to look polished and together around others. I had debilitating panic attacks - I couldn't eat at a restaurant without being close to an exit, ride in a car with anyone but the closest of friends or my family, walk the mall or sit in church for an entire service.
How did all this fear, guilt, worthlessness, sadness and anger manifest itself? I was relentless with my husband who, in my estimation, didn't compliment me enough, communicate enough, help me enough, understand me enough or love me enough (though in retrospect, he did all that and more). I raged, I complained, I worried, I panicked, I pretended to be all the things I wasn't. I taught Sunday School, was a Youth Leader, polished my kids til they shone, slapped a smile on my face, and eventually fell completely and utterly apart. I'm just surprised I was able to fake it until I was 36. Looking back, I was a Christian - what went wrong? Why did I have no peace? Why couldn't I give my hurt to the Lord? Why didn't I trust Him with my problems? When the end came, I ran as fast as I could and as far as I could from everyone and everything because the facade was over. My life screamed against peace, and all that it meant. I ran until three years ago, when God brought me back to Him - on His terms.
He brought me home. Home to provide total care, with all it entails, to my "Gram", the woman who took me into her heart and her arms when my parents left me at the girl's home at 8 months old. She was peaceful and the very air around her was quiet and calm. Gram, at age 98, often spoke verses to me and we prayed together every night. I would kiss her after I tucked her in, and as I was walking out of her bedroom, she would often say, "I'm so glad we have each other". So was I. I devoured every Christian book I could find in the house, and read to her regularly in the evenings. I got on my knees, so thankful for the grace that brought me home, and asked God to never let me go again. Something changed. My heart told me to forgive. Forgive all people everything. Freely you have received, freely give. My heart, or rather a still, small voice, urged me to trust God with all my fears, all my hurts, all my guilt and all my self-hatred. Little by little, step by step, I released that life-long familiar grip I had on all the things that made me feel so good because I felt so bad. It wasn't about me anymore. It was about my Lord, and I was at peace.
Every now and then, I am tempted to let those old feelings surface, but peace answers those fears and 'feelings' with truth. Truth that God can't lie - when He so clearly expressed his love through His word. This is truth that conquers feelings. Without truth, there is no peace.
Peace is something Jesus gave to Christians as a gift when He said, "Peace I leave you" before He ascended. Peace can also be an action when we are told to be at peace with all men. Peace is an indescribable sense of calm. Peace is confidence that God really is in control, and all He does is motivated by His boundless love.
The person writing this blog is me. I live with constant physical pain, and a future that is uncertain. I can't feel my legs, and my body gets worn out just going down my stairs to leave my house. I am afraid sometimes and sad sometimes. I give my feelings to the Lord, and He covers me in a blanket of peace that's as soft and warm as the towels in the old Downy commercials.
Isaiah 26:3...Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.
Perfect peace? Stop striving. Start trusting.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Joy
Joy: a shout, a proclamation that can manifest itself in singing. A triumph, cheerful and calm delight ~American Dictionary of the English Language
I haven't blogged in a few days. There has been a whirlwind of activity in the house. Though I am sitting still, life has picked up the pace in my living room.
This morning, I woke up before my little one and made my way to the living room, anxious to write thoughts in my blog. As I opened the blog, I heard a quiet voice within telling me to open the Word first. I shot up a quick prayer telling God that I only had a small window of opportunity to write before the rest of the house got up. Still, something inside caused me to question - which is more important - writing for writing's sake, or focusing on the Lord and letting him speak to me? Having decided a long time ago that I don't want to write this blog for any reason but for HIS glory, I could not begin without spending time with Him. I ran through my devotions on Faithfulness and Joy and fired up the computer. Again, I knew I had not said a word to Him all morning, and had not let Him speak to me, either. I said, 'Lord, I'll pray, but I need to tell You that the kids will all be up soon, and my window of opportunity will pass for writing.' I'm sure He already knew that. Sure enough, as I was in prayer, I heard a bedroom door open down the hall and my youngest emerged with her purple-ice-cream-cone-and-cupcake nightgown on, all smiles. I came to the conclusion, not on my own I'm sure, that had I written this post in a rush without taking time for the Lord, it would have been much worse than being interrupted by a cute little brown-eyed smiling face blinking the sleepies out. This post may take all day with life's interruptions, but I would rather not write at all than forge ahead in my own strength.
As predicted, I was not able to finish this blog yesterday, and I'm thankful for that. "...In His favour is life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5 Today was a day of joy. I was able to not only go to Sunday School to 'bond' with a group of women in my church, but I also stayed for church (mostly because I didn't have a ride home after Sunday School!!).
My Pastor preached from Mark 6:45 - 52. Jesus has just miraculously fed the 5000 and told his disciples to get in a ship and go to the other side, and he went to a mountain to pray. The disciples were having trouble rowing because the wind was 'contrary'. Jesus walked on the water and when he got in the ship, the wind stopped. The disciples were amazed. That's the short version.
How does that apply to my situation? Pastor Miller asked if anyone has ever felt overwhelmed. Check. He said many people try to handle everything on their own. Check. Some people forget the miracles that have already happened in their lives. Check. Jesus told the disciples to get in the boat, knowing that the storm would arise. Nothing surprises God, and He allows storms to come up in His children ' lives. BUT, He is with us IN the boat. Check!
How does that all tie in with joy? I'll say it one more time - Jesus is WITH me in the boat! That's the real definition and source of all joy - joy unspeakable and full of glory.
I haven't blogged in a few days. There has been a whirlwind of activity in the house. Though I am sitting still, life has picked up the pace in my living room.
This morning, I woke up before my little one and made my way to the living room, anxious to write thoughts in my blog. As I opened the blog, I heard a quiet voice within telling me to open the Word first. I shot up a quick prayer telling God that I only had a small window of opportunity to write before the rest of the house got up. Still, something inside caused me to question - which is more important - writing for writing's sake, or focusing on the Lord and letting him speak to me? Having decided a long time ago that I don't want to write this blog for any reason but for HIS glory, I could not begin without spending time with Him. I ran through my devotions on Faithfulness and Joy and fired up the computer. Again, I knew I had not said a word to Him all morning, and had not let Him speak to me, either. I said, 'Lord, I'll pray, but I need to tell You that the kids will all be up soon, and my window of opportunity will pass for writing.' I'm sure He already knew that. Sure enough, as I was in prayer, I heard a bedroom door open down the hall and my youngest emerged with her purple-ice-cream-cone-and-cupcake nightgown on, all smiles. I came to the conclusion, not on my own I'm sure, that had I written this post in a rush without taking time for the Lord, it would have been much worse than being interrupted by a cute little brown-eyed smiling face blinking the sleepies out. This post may take all day with life's interruptions, but I would rather not write at all than forge ahead in my own strength.
As predicted, I was not able to finish this blog yesterday, and I'm thankful for that. "...In His favour is life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5 Today was a day of joy. I was able to not only go to Sunday School to 'bond' with a group of women in my church, but I also stayed for church (mostly because I didn't have a ride home after Sunday School!!).
My Pastor preached from Mark 6:45 - 52. Jesus has just miraculously fed the 5000 and told his disciples to get in a ship and go to the other side, and he went to a mountain to pray. The disciples were having trouble rowing because the wind was 'contrary'. Jesus walked on the water and when he got in the ship, the wind stopped. The disciples were amazed. That's the short version.
How does that apply to my situation? Pastor Miller asked if anyone has ever felt overwhelmed. Check. He said many people try to handle everything on their own. Check. Some people forget the miracles that have already happened in their lives. Check. Jesus told the disciples to get in the boat, knowing that the storm would arise. Nothing surprises God, and He allows storms to come up in His children ' lives. BUT, He is with us IN the boat. Check!
How does that all tie in with joy? I'll say it one more time - Jesus is WITH me in the boat! That's the real definition and source of all joy - joy unspeakable and full of glory.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Love
Today I was alone much of the day, lost in thought. The 'what if'' monster got ahold of me. What if this never gets better? What if I have to move, will I find housing that's handicapped accessible? What if my youngest daughter resents me for changing her whole life around because of this? What if I lose my job? What if I can't pay my bills? What if I look like a freak the rest of my life?
Now, I have to be honest..I had to look deep down into what I really think about people in public or in a mall that have spastic legs or are in a wheelchair with their body distorted. I was talking to Kailynd, my son's girlfriend, today and confided that I instantly wondered if those people had suffered brain damage and if I had a conversation with them, it was always a little stiff or uncomfortable for me. Or at least that's how I used to feel. Now it's me clutching to a walker or cane - will people view me the same way? Will there be pity, repulsion, avoidance, awkwardness? A big part of my job is interviewing applicants for positions in our company. What will they think?
I met a remarkable man at a camp I help out with every year. My little one and I had come into the dining hall out of the cold Maine rain and were sitting near the fire on the huge brick and stone hearth. Colby usually went from wheelchair to walking with arm crutches, and had been disabled since birth, I think. He made his was to the hearth and asked if I wanted some company. Agreeing, I expected an awkward silence, but I didn't have to worry. We laughed and talked about anything and everything, found out he lived on the same road as my one Maine friend, and talked about deeper things - we connected. I no longer saw a wheelchair or metal crutches that circled his arms. I saw a friend - a funny, articulate, interesting and caring friend. We just catch up each year at camp like we never left. I had to see him with my Father's eyes, and I'm a better person for it.
That got me thinking about my fruit du jour. I tackled the subject of love with the book on the fruits. I definitely found deeper meanings of love as I searched through. I remember my Gram explained 1 Corinthians 13:13 to me in a way I never thought of before and I've never forgotten it.
For now abides faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.
Gram explained that faith abides now, but in the future, our faith will be complete when we see Him face to face. Hope abides now and keeps us moving onward and upward, but our hope will also be satisfied when we have finished the race. When all is said and done, faith and hope are for us here and now - to ultimately bring us to our Lord. Love, yes, love - there is no end to love. When we reach heaven, our love will increase, and will go on forever. Love is here and now, and will multiply as time goes on, and that's why love is the greatest - it's eternal.
I need to remember to not be hyper-sensitive about the looks I might get with my walker or cane. I need to hold my head high when I conduct interviews. I'm wrong if I think I know what people are thinking if they cross paths with me. Maybe it's just me who had those preconceptions about the 'disabled', but I think not. Ugh, it all seems so surreal.
So all in all, today was a mixed bag. I had to really focus on trusting God with my body and future and the future of my family. I also had to really try to look thrilled by the fifteenth time my little one put on a solo broadway show for me in the living room to keep me company. The funny thing was, I couldn't get away if I tried. Talk about a captive audience!
The 'what if''s' are plaguing me. Like I said, I have to be honest. There's no anger, no asking God why. We've been through too much together for me to doubt now or think He doesn't know what He's doing. I - just - don't - know - how - to - stop - fearing - the - future. Maybe that's where the peace fruit comes in. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
Now, I have to be honest..I had to look deep down into what I really think about people in public or in a mall that have spastic legs or are in a wheelchair with their body distorted. I was talking to Kailynd, my son's girlfriend, today and confided that I instantly wondered if those people had suffered brain damage and if I had a conversation with them, it was always a little stiff or uncomfortable for me. Or at least that's how I used to feel. Now it's me clutching to a walker or cane - will people view me the same way? Will there be pity, repulsion, avoidance, awkwardness? A big part of my job is interviewing applicants for positions in our company. What will they think?
I met a remarkable man at a camp I help out with every year. My little one and I had come into the dining hall out of the cold Maine rain and were sitting near the fire on the huge brick and stone hearth. Colby usually went from wheelchair to walking with arm crutches, and had been disabled since birth, I think. He made his was to the hearth and asked if I wanted some company. Agreeing, I expected an awkward silence, but I didn't have to worry. We laughed and talked about anything and everything, found out he lived on the same road as my one Maine friend, and talked about deeper things - we connected. I no longer saw a wheelchair or metal crutches that circled his arms. I saw a friend - a funny, articulate, interesting and caring friend. We just catch up each year at camp like we never left. I had to see him with my Father's eyes, and I'm a better person for it.
That got me thinking about my fruit du jour. I tackled the subject of love with the book on the fruits. I definitely found deeper meanings of love as I searched through. I remember my Gram explained 1 Corinthians 13:13 to me in a way I never thought of before and I've never forgotten it.
For now abides faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.
Gram explained that faith abides now, but in the future, our faith will be complete when we see Him face to face. Hope abides now and keeps us moving onward and upward, but our hope will also be satisfied when we have finished the race. When all is said and done, faith and hope are for us here and now - to ultimately bring us to our Lord. Love, yes, love - there is no end to love. When we reach heaven, our love will increase, and will go on forever. Love is here and now, and will multiply as time goes on, and that's why love is the greatest - it's eternal.
I need to remember to not be hyper-sensitive about the looks I might get with my walker or cane. I need to hold my head high when I conduct interviews. I'm wrong if I think I know what people are thinking if they cross paths with me. Maybe it's just me who had those preconceptions about the 'disabled', but I think not. Ugh, it all seems so surreal.
So all in all, today was a mixed bag. I had to really focus on trusting God with my body and future and the future of my family. I also had to really try to look thrilled by the fifteenth time my little one put on a solo broadway show for me in the living room to keep me company. The funny thing was, I couldn't get away if I tried. Talk about a captive audience!
The 'what if''s' are plaguing me. Like I said, I have to be honest. There's no anger, no asking God why. We've been through too much together for me to doubt now or think He doesn't know what He's doing. I - just - don't - know - how - to - stop - fearing - the - future. Maybe that's where the peace fruit comes in. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Feasting on Fruit
Yesterday the kids all left the house, which gave me some time to really figure out what I can and can't do. I'll admit it, I'm too proud to allow my kids to see me hobbling around looking like Quasimodo. When I try to walk with a cane, my son Danny gives me pointers. Just to mention how good God is, Danny and his girlfriend Kailynd are both trained caregivers with my agency which provides in-home care for people (like me?).
I can move my legs but can't feel them, or I could pretty well yesterday, so with the help of my new cane, I made it to my bedroom. I found that I could sit on the bed and sort laundry and generally pick up. Something that usually takes about 15 minutes took about two hours. BUT, I did it! My company, Right at Home,also provided a shower chair, and I sat under the warm water feeling alive! Taking the shower, getting undressed and dressed, took another hour and a half, but again, I did it!
I was pretty excited about all I could do. I was totally wiped out and stayed lying down for about four or five hours after. I brought a book out of my room that I hadn't read in a long time about the Fruit of the Spirit. I prayed, asking God for something to comfort me, and said, "You don't really want me to read about 'the fruit' do you? That means I have to work on me and I need help and comfort more than anything right now."
I opened my Bible and read the book of Galatians, not remembering that the Fruit of the Spirit was in chapter 5, verse 22. There was my confirmation, then. It was and is time to read and meditate on love, joy, peace, patience - being a 'doer of the word and not a hearer only'. Those first four should take a while! I trust that God knows best, and He isn't going to let me take this lying down feeling sorry for myself. In the night when I can't sleep and I want to scream with the pain, He is there, soothing me and reassuring me that He will never leave me or forsake me. When daylight comes, it's another opportunity to wake up and 'Carpe Diem', as my little Gram used to say at age 98 - seize the day!!
Today, I woke up and could do less. I'm hoping it's just because I did so much yesterday. So much pain and numbness, from my toes to my neck, even my lips and chin feel numb! Each morning I wake up wondering if my condition will be worse. The fear of not knowing and not hearing my doctor say, "This is it - no more declining" haunts me. How much worse will it get and how long will it last? In my dreams, I am whole, and when I wake up, I slowly realize where I am. The first thing I do is find out whether I can sit up. Next I put my feet down and ask them to carry my weight. So far, they do, but every day or two, there's a little less response and a lot more numbness and pain.
This is my journey. If I can glorify God with my life, I will. If he needed to stop me in my tracks to get my full attention, then I couldn't be in a better place than where I am right now. No more 5 minute devotions and a quick prayer at night. No more racing around with no time for my Lord and my family. This is where the real test is - do I love Him? I want to love Him more, and I offer my body in faith to Him, filled with peace that He is working all things together for good. Fear follows me around like a black cloud, and sometimes I lose sight of God's promises, but I know he's there with me in the cloud, holding my hand.
It's time to go chew on some fruit! Carpe Diem!
I can move my legs but can't feel them, or I could pretty well yesterday, so with the help of my new cane, I made it to my bedroom. I found that I could sit on the bed and sort laundry and generally pick up. Something that usually takes about 15 minutes took about two hours. BUT, I did it! My company, Right at Home,also provided a shower chair, and I sat under the warm water feeling alive! Taking the shower, getting undressed and dressed, took another hour and a half, but again, I did it!
I was pretty excited about all I could do. I was totally wiped out and stayed lying down for about four or five hours after. I brought a book out of my room that I hadn't read in a long time about the Fruit of the Spirit. I prayed, asking God for something to comfort me, and said, "You don't really want me to read about 'the fruit' do you? That means I have to work on me and I need help and comfort more than anything right now."
I opened my Bible and read the book of Galatians, not remembering that the Fruit of the Spirit was in chapter 5, verse 22. There was my confirmation, then. It was and is time to read and meditate on love, joy, peace, patience - being a 'doer of the word and not a hearer only'. Those first four should take a while! I trust that God knows best, and He isn't going to let me take this lying down feeling sorry for myself. In the night when I can't sleep and I want to scream with the pain, He is there, soothing me and reassuring me that He will never leave me or forsake me. When daylight comes, it's another opportunity to wake up and 'Carpe Diem', as my little Gram used to say at age 98 - seize the day!!
Today, I woke up and could do less. I'm hoping it's just because I did so much yesterday. So much pain and numbness, from my toes to my neck, even my lips and chin feel numb! Each morning I wake up wondering if my condition will be worse. The fear of not knowing and not hearing my doctor say, "This is it - no more declining" haunts me. How much worse will it get and how long will it last? In my dreams, I am whole, and when I wake up, I slowly realize where I am. The first thing I do is find out whether I can sit up. Next I put my feet down and ask them to carry my weight. So far, they do, but every day or two, there's a little less response and a lot more numbness and pain.
This is my journey. If I can glorify God with my life, I will. If he needed to stop me in my tracks to get my full attention, then I couldn't be in a better place than where I am right now. No more 5 minute devotions and a quick prayer at night. No more racing around with no time for my Lord and my family. This is where the real test is - do I love Him? I want to love Him more, and I offer my body in faith to Him, filled with peace that He is working all things together for good. Fear follows me around like a black cloud, and sometimes I lose sight of God's promises, but I know he's there with me in the cloud, holding my hand.
It's time to go chew on some fruit! Carpe Diem!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Show me the way, Lord
My last post was in May, 2011. I had thrown myself into my job and was sometimes working or on-call 24 hours a day a week at a time, every other week. I heard from people urging me to continue blogging. I owe three of my children a letter in this blog, because that's where it left off back in May. My time was consumed, working all day, coming home to continue working and finish projects, and the weeks I wasn't on-call, I would just crash on the couch to catch up on rest. Though I read books and prayed with my little one each night, I felt like I was looking through her and the other kids. They would talk and I would listen, but I was miles away, still working on some project in my head. I finally prayed a few weeks ago, "Lord, this can't be your will for me to ignore my kids so I can put food on the table and take care of their material needs. Show me the way, Lord."
Last Tuesday, I went to work as usual. About an hour into the day, my left arm wouldn't respond to what I wanted it to do. It felt like it was dead asleep with shooting pains. My arm was numb, and I could barely feel any sensation. Wouldn't you know, I'm left handed. I went to the doctor that day, and we learned there was no blood clot or stroke causing the problem. Two days later, my left leg wouldn't work, and I had the same feeling - or lack of feeling, and went back to the doctor. He said he didn't know what was happening and sent me to the neurologist. Over the weekend, my right leg stopped working for the same reasons, and I could barely walk 15 feet without feeling like I was going to collapse. Now the numbness, pain and pins and needles have taken over from arm to my mid-back to my toes. We're not sure whether this will get worse, or how much worse it will be. I have 'classic, textbook transverse myelitis', but so far the tests aren't matching the symptoms. The physical therapist suggested a cane, walker and wheelchair to get around. I have this strange sensation of de ja vu when I helped Gram with her walker, brought her meals and helped her shower. Is this my new life?
I'm still working from home on my couch, but there's a pressing feeling that God is answering my searching prayer to show me the way, and He is saying, 'Follow Me'. Where? I don't know. Am I semi paralyzed forever? There are times I break down when I am alone or with a friend. Other times I want to laugh and be normal, just pressing on. There is fear - will someone always have to stand-by to help me survive? Will I even have anyone who will help me if this is long-term? Why do I need help - it's humiliating! When will this end. Will it end? I still can't wrap my brain around what is happening. Last Monday I was fine.
There is a place I needed to come to and a decision I had to make, and I had to face it right away. Do I trust my Heavenly Father? Does He love me and have a plan for my life? Will He always take care of me and provide for my family? I have settled in my heart that all these things are true, and that gives me peace that passes understanding. When it can't be explained, it's God. Will I still cry and agonize with the pain? I'm sure I will but I am human and the Creator of the Universe is my Father. He knows the path, He knows the future, He loves me beyond comprehension.
And so I raise my face toward heaven and ask, "Show me the way, Lord".
Last Tuesday, I went to work as usual. About an hour into the day, my left arm wouldn't respond to what I wanted it to do. It felt like it was dead asleep with shooting pains. My arm was numb, and I could barely feel any sensation. Wouldn't you know, I'm left handed. I went to the doctor that day, and we learned there was no blood clot or stroke causing the problem. Two days later, my left leg wouldn't work, and I had the same feeling - or lack of feeling, and went back to the doctor. He said he didn't know what was happening and sent me to the neurologist. Over the weekend, my right leg stopped working for the same reasons, and I could barely walk 15 feet without feeling like I was going to collapse. Now the numbness, pain and pins and needles have taken over from arm to my mid-back to my toes. We're not sure whether this will get worse, or how much worse it will be. I have 'classic, textbook transverse myelitis', but so far the tests aren't matching the symptoms. The physical therapist suggested a cane, walker and wheelchair to get around. I have this strange sensation of de ja vu when I helped Gram with her walker, brought her meals and helped her shower. Is this my new life?
I'm still working from home on my couch, but there's a pressing feeling that God is answering my searching prayer to show me the way, and He is saying, 'Follow Me'. Where? I don't know. Am I semi paralyzed forever? There are times I break down when I am alone or with a friend. Other times I want to laugh and be normal, just pressing on. There is fear - will someone always have to stand-by to help me survive? Will I even have anyone who will help me if this is long-term? Why do I need help - it's humiliating! When will this end. Will it end? I still can't wrap my brain around what is happening. Last Monday I was fine.
There is a place I needed to come to and a decision I had to make, and I had to face it right away. Do I trust my Heavenly Father? Does He love me and have a plan for my life? Will He always take care of me and provide for my family? I have settled in my heart that all these things are true, and that gives me peace that passes understanding. When it can't be explained, it's God. Will I still cry and agonize with the pain? I'm sure I will but I am human and the Creator of the Universe is my Father. He knows the path, He knows the future, He loves me beyond comprehension.
And so I raise my face toward heaven and ask, "Show me the way, Lord".
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day (for Shelli)
As promised, I am beginning my posts for my children. How fitting to write to my oldest daughter, Shelli, on Mother's Day, who made this day meaningful for me twenty-three years ago, and is now a mother herself. Mother's Day, 1988, was a bittersweet day. My due date had just come and gone, and there was no baby in sight. When Michelle Leigh arrived on May 24, eighteen hours after the first birth pang, I realized in awe that I had never understood selfless love before that moment in time.
Shelli, you were my dream come true. When I was asked as a youngster what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said I wanted to be a mom. My sister, Lisa, would get so frustrated with me, trying to impress on me that being a mom wasn't the only thing I could want. It was. The moment I felt your warm little body draped over my stomach and heard your tiny squeak, every dream I ever dreamed was realized. I love you simply because you are my child, but your value as a person and a young woman far surpasses that of being my daughter.
I love your passion, dear daughter. When you were a little girl, you were always the 'director' of the house. You weren't content to sit and do nothing. You took charge of your younger brothers, thought up activities and did most everything with a smile on your face. One of my favorite moments with you was when you were three. After a long night up with the stomach flu, you looked out the window of our condo and saw the most beautiful sunrise. You pointed and said, "Let's show Daddy when he gets home." The sunrise was long gone by the time your father came home after his third-shift job, but I was so struck that you saw the beauty that most toddlers wouldn't notice. You surrounded yourself with it. Whether it was shopping for pretty dresses, driving around looking at Christmas lights, or coloring a picture, you always did it with flair. May you always express your passion.
I love your heart, dear daughter. You have always been tender, even through the worst of life. Sure, you put up your walls - walls too high for me to climb or penetrate, but through the fortress window, I've always seen your lovely, tender eyes tentatively peering out at the world. I remember the day you and your friends in third grade got together to make a card for your teacher because she had no children. I was a little unsure whether it was a good idea to let you give her the card. She contacted me later on and told me your thoughtfulness and love prompted her to seek adoption. When we took in foster kids, I watched your tenderness embrace the little ones who wrapped their arms around your neck as their smiles caught your heart. Even now, though your brothers can be, well, brothers, you take the time to do little things for them that may or may not be met with appreciation. May you always have a soft heart.
I love your femininity, dear daughter. You can be counted on to shed a tear when we curl up for a sad movie, get misty-eyed hearing a beautiful song, or goosebumps watching a fashion show at the beach! May you always be a "girly-girl".
I love your honesty, dear daughter. You have had some very deep joys and hurts along the way, but you don't back down when you need to express yourself. Years ago, that honesty was a piercing light shining in the corners I would have rather kept dark, and we had our moments, didn't we? Your same truthfulness was what brought us closer than I could have imagined when you sat by my bed the night after I gave birth to your baby sister, and told me why you had shut me out of your life for so long. You were brave, showing your hurt and your pain, and only then could I tell you how sorry I was for my words and actions that pushed you away. May you always be honest.
I love your determination, dear daughter. You have had some daunting setbacks and gut-wrenching twists and turns in your life, from a broken family, to cancer, to bringing your own baby into the world in one of the worst winter storms of the year, and having to work each day to keep him safe, warm, dry and fed. You have shown that you are willing to do whatever it takes to be a mother he can count on. May you always be motivated to press on.
If I never had another chance to talk to you, to be your cheerleader, to speak to your heart, here's what I would say...
The same God who created you loves you more than anyone else ever could. The most satisfying relationship there is, is one with Him. Talk to Him about anything and everything. Trust Him to always give you the best - even when His best makes no sense. Don't let anyone judge you for something you've already made right with God. Show love to everyone, no matter how much you think they don't deserve it. Forgive - always. When you mess up, get back on track and forgive yourself. Remember that the years spent loving others is never wasted. Just when you think your baby will never grow up, he will. You did. You will miss the lazy mornings when he just wants to lay his head on your chest and cuddle. Trust me on that one! More than anything, I love you. I always have and I always will.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path. (Prov. 3:5, 6).
Shelli, you were my dream come true. When I was asked as a youngster what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said I wanted to be a mom. My sister, Lisa, would get so frustrated with me, trying to impress on me that being a mom wasn't the only thing I could want. It was. The moment I felt your warm little body draped over my stomach and heard your tiny squeak, every dream I ever dreamed was realized. I love you simply because you are my child, but your value as a person and a young woman far surpasses that of being my daughter.
I love your passion, dear daughter. When you were a little girl, you were always the 'director' of the house. You weren't content to sit and do nothing. You took charge of your younger brothers, thought up activities and did most everything with a smile on your face. One of my favorite moments with you was when you were three. After a long night up with the stomach flu, you looked out the window of our condo and saw the most beautiful sunrise. You pointed and said, "Let's show Daddy when he gets home." The sunrise was long gone by the time your father came home after his third-shift job, but I was so struck that you saw the beauty that most toddlers wouldn't notice. You surrounded yourself with it. Whether it was shopping for pretty dresses, driving around looking at Christmas lights, or coloring a picture, you always did it with flair. May you always express your passion.
I love your heart, dear daughter. You have always been tender, even through the worst of life. Sure, you put up your walls - walls too high for me to climb or penetrate, but through the fortress window, I've always seen your lovely, tender eyes tentatively peering out at the world. I remember the day you and your friends in third grade got together to make a card for your teacher because she had no children. I was a little unsure whether it was a good idea to let you give her the card. She contacted me later on and told me your thoughtfulness and love prompted her to seek adoption. When we took in foster kids, I watched your tenderness embrace the little ones who wrapped their arms around your neck as their smiles caught your heart. Even now, though your brothers can be, well, brothers, you take the time to do little things for them that may or may not be met with appreciation. May you always have a soft heart.
I love your femininity, dear daughter. You can be counted on to shed a tear when we curl up for a sad movie, get misty-eyed hearing a beautiful song, or goosebumps watching a fashion show at the beach! May you always be a "girly-girl".
I love your honesty, dear daughter. You have had some very deep joys and hurts along the way, but you don't back down when you need to express yourself. Years ago, that honesty was a piercing light shining in the corners I would have rather kept dark, and we had our moments, didn't we? Your same truthfulness was what brought us closer than I could have imagined when you sat by my bed the night after I gave birth to your baby sister, and told me why you had shut me out of your life for so long. You were brave, showing your hurt and your pain, and only then could I tell you how sorry I was for my words and actions that pushed you away. May you always be honest.
I love your determination, dear daughter. You have had some daunting setbacks and gut-wrenching twists and turns in your life, from a broken family, to cancer, to bringing your own baby into the world in one of the worst winter storms of the year, and having to work each day to keep him safe, warm, dry and fed. You have shown that you are willing to do whatever it takes to be a mother he can count on. May you always be motivated to press on.
If I never had another chance to talk to you, to be your cheerleader, to speak to your heart, here's what I would say...
The same God who created you loves you more than anyone else ever could. The most satisfying relationship there is, is one with Him. Talk to Him about anything and everything. Trust Him to always give you the best - even when His best makes no sense. Don't let anyone judge you for something you've already made right with God. Show love to everyone, no matter how much you think they don't deserve it. Forgive - always. When you mess up, get back on track and forgive yourself. Remember that the years spent loving others is never wasted. Just when you think your baby will never grow up, he will. You did. You will miss the lazy mornings when he just wants to lay his head on your chest and cuddle. Trust me on that one! More than anything, I love you. I always have and I always will.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path. (Prov. 3:5, 6).
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Down But Not Out
Well, it's been over two months since I have posted to this blog. I have to admit that I am one who has joined the ranks of working-class single mothers, burning the candle at both ends. I received a promotion at work, had to deal with some debilitating symptoms of my disease, and have found myself back at a place in my life where I need to re-prioritize. As I am in my 45th year of life, I do realize that the old saying is true - "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Once I think I have found the right balance to my life, the rules change. What has not changed is my desire to share my faith and journey with others, hoping that the joys and struggles may encourage someone, somewhere.
As I seek the Lord, and ask Him to show me the balance my life lacks, it is my prayer that He will guide me on the path He has chosen. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light!
I have some promised "letters" to write to my kids in the next four posts...
Right now, I will be cuddling up on the couch to read to my little girl, and tucking her into bed.
Deary Heavenly Father,
Thank You for always being with me, softly prompting me to forge on. I know that there is nothing in my life that surprises You, or is too difficult for You to handle. Please guide my decisions, especially where my time is concerned. Help me to keep eternity's values in view! In Jesus Name...
As I seek the Lord, and ask Him to show me the balance my life lacks, it is my prayer that He will guide me on the path He has chosen. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light!
I have some promised "letters" to write to my kids in the next four posts...
Right now, I will be cuddling up on the couch to read to my little girl, and tucking her into bed.
Deary Heavenly Father,
Thank You for always being with me, softly prompting me to forge on. I know that there is nothing in my life that surprises You, or is too difficult for You to handle. Please guide my decisions, especially where my time is concerned. Help me to keep eternity's values in view! In Jesus Name...
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